Sunday, 20 September 2009


I am an astronaut. Unofficially. An amateur, some people would say. Though I fear that makes it sound like I’m not particular good in the field of space travel and such. I consider myself the best. Not that I have a great deal of knowledge on the subject.

I have a feel for it. I just get it.

I can make a spacecraft out of almost anything. NASA insist on making huge rockets & shuttles, but that’s just for show. It’s unnecessary. I favour shopping trolleys. Shopping trolleys and dry leaves.

I have travelled far and wide across the universe, spanned galaxies, in nothing more than a rickety basket on wheels. I have journeyed to the stars in a chest freezer. I have orbited Jupiter in a wheelie bin.

I have an opening. The next trip will be in a pedalo, with room for two. There will be no tests. There will be no rigorous screening or strenuous training. You simply need to be a pleasant travelling companion. I will be bringing a portable tape player. If you so wish, please feel to make a mixtape for the journey. But be aware that you will need to submit the track listing to me beforehand for approval.

I am not able to give the precise length of time that the trip will take, but I anticipate it won’t be for more than around 28 days. We will be travelling into a black hole, the purpose being to find out if there is anything worth seeing on the other side. I imagine that it will be quite exciting.

I look forward to hearing from any potential candidates.

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